Healthy communication is like personal hygiene. It requires on-going effort, even during the times where we really do not feel like doing it. Social interaction with others is part of the reason why our cerebral cortex has grown in humans throughout evolution. It is a complex cycle of giving and taking from the other through the vehicle of communication that allows us to negotiate our needs, wants, distance and closeness with others.

The following are 4 attitudes that can keep you stuck in a loop of communication malfunction, which can leave you feeling disempowered, upset, hurt and without achieving what you had wished to achieve.

  1. Fundamental Attribution Error: This is the tendency that people have to overemphasize fixed, internal character traits instead of external, situational factors when judging other’s behaviours. Next time you are upset with your loved one, instead of saying: ‘You are always inconsiderate!’ try: ‘I am upset because you’ve arrived late and I never heard from you’.
  2. Defend and Attack: Defense keeps us safe and reminds us that others may hurt us if we let our guard down. It makes sense to be defensive in situations where immediate threats are perceived. However, we tend to overuse this tactic in our relationships where there may not be an immediate risk to our physical well-being. Next time you are in an argument, avoid: ‘You don’t care about me!’ and try: ‘When you arrive late and don’t tell me, I feel uncared for’.
  3. Contempt: This attitude can be quite deadly and will shut down any attempts for fruitful conversation. Avoid correcting your partner’s grammatical errors while in conversation, avoid irony, sarcasm, cynicism and threats. Remain silent and quietly count to 10 in your head when these try to escape your mouth!
  4. Stonewalling: Like all avoidance strategies, this one just proves to the other that we are not able to tolerate what is being said because we are inadequate, and therefore, need to ‘check out’. This is a strong defense mechanism used when what is being said to us is too hurtful for us to hear so we resort to avoiding the other in order to safely ‘check-out’ from the conversation we are having by looking elsewhere, remaining silent and remaining physically static. Always maintain non-threatening eye contact and if the conversation is headed down a path to anger, ask to take a break and return to the conversation at a later time.

 

By: Agustina Jorquera, BSc. (Hons)., M.Ed.

4 toxic attitudes that are hurting your relationship